As the Sarah Turns: Might have to seriously chicken shit soon

Or have I already? Not the way I am planning. I kind of have a new "imaginary" Bollywood boyfriend. As with most famous or big bollywoods, I've always thought my chances were slim to none. Yet, the Don Drapers have kept me fucked with anyway. I'm not going to get into my history with all of my own personal Drapers. It really has never worked out with any of their Bollywoods. I did go chicken shit on them from time to time, but I feel I have to find a way to lose it again and work hard to put myself out of my misery. I've mostly seen it as my own cowardice, and atheistic lack of faith. I wish I had an easy love. It sometimes takes a lot from me to let myself be led on in some ways. I feel I sometimes make myself go through with too much heartache. If this dude does have a share with Travis, it is still: FUCK UTAH and OPEN RELATIONSHIPS/ POLYGAMY. It wasn't too painful with Travis. He had the given answer and respected my answer enough to have left me alone and to not get anymore involved with me. Some men do want to keep me lied to and led on for me to only be led into disappointment. I seriously think this dude is out of my league. I'm only half confident and confident in my half confidence for him. (I really did mean it with my JLo and Madonna and that I won't change who I am or the way I look)(another sign I tawt I taw) It wasn't that I was too faithless in his interest towards me. I did play him a Selena song and the "Beautiful Stranger" song to dance for.... I think he has his own way of being out of my league and unattainable. I did some quick research and discovered he has had a long term real life non Bollywood girlfriend. So, that mostly popped the rest of my bubble. He might not even like that I'm using the "L" word but I am anyway. I feel he has made some kind of chemistry a certain way and I've held my breathe long enough. How could I have some feeling and just let loose with myself the other way to chicken shit all over it anyway? I can't go out and let myself have a random one night stand yet. While I still don't know all of what to believe, he could have said or done something far too horrid and Ike Turnerish for me to ever even be able to care. I don't know what to believe until I do. ..........Where did my last "imaginary" boyfriend "Pete," go? I had my own turn offs and some turn ons. I'm taken aback that he could be more gay than straight. It is like he could be defensive in wanting to put some kind of embarrassment on me but he has been mostly quiet since I have been quiet. He also wants to stay the typical unfair Bollywood and have an "eye for an eye" over a few other Bollywood cheats and expect me to carry the weight and blame of it all in the neverending cycle. While there was still some kind of feelings and attractions there, I still gradually die off and burn out of the relationship. ..... Until then, I have no real relationship plans or one night stand dates scheduled. No plans. I'm living life by the day. Sometimes I feel more single than others; and other times, I feel more hooked. I can still take some kind of serious action any time I want.

AWOL with Pete

In some ways, I'm still stuck on you Pete, and in some ways, I'm not. Last night, when I was drunk, I was making out with a man who reminded me of you. It reminded me of my original fear of knowing that I've only met you once and wouldn't be sure if I would recognize and know it is you if I saw you again. I saw your friend in some of the arbitrage too. I have seen him more recently just a few months ago. I may eventually make up a name for him. I think you knew my drunken intent, so you're not too mad. You are still one to figure out Pete... I'm upset over some of the people that are included in your arbitrage. Josh, Jon aka "Jon Bellion," Tony, and Chris B. Unless someone is out to really trash talk you and seriously does not want me to want you, those are not good connections. It depresses me. I don't like the blind sidedness of it all because it is like you are living some kind of double and back stabbing life with me. In the past few days, your Bollywood could never feel any better, probably could, but it is like you have came and left my life at another time and there is just too much I don't know about the stalker you were. It is like you have done unforgivable things that I have yet to find out about and you give yourself these new fresh steps where we are really hitting it off, but I still know nothing of your other double life of a stalker. I think you should set the truth of your drama straight because I really don't want to put up with a real stupid soap opera where you bullshit your own drama and make up your own rules as you go along. I'm just not liking what I don't know about you Pete. The guys you have in your arbitrage does make me want to drop you like a hot pocket and I could get lost anytime I want, I just want a better sense of stability and getting you. Regardless of what you could have said against me, I don't want you to feel ugly or like I think you're ugly. You could be ugly on the inside but I think you're so sexy and attractive. I can hardly remember you, but you should know I find you attractive. While you are still being Bollywood on me for whatever reason, I hope you come to your senses soon. If you don't you're always going to be the reason to your own problem of my AWOL and why I can't stay tied to you. I'm upset if Josh, Jon, or Tony are still looking at me. I don't know what it is that has recently gotten into Josh. Maybe it was my attraction to Jack and he wanted to fight to stay in some kind of control? I don't know. I'm upset with Josh though. I know you're the one I gave the credit to Pete. I wish you were here in my life or not in my life with your Bollywood at all. How do you expect me to stay tied down to you?

As the Sarah Turns: Everything down the drain from here

Just a brief meandering: The cop cuddled with me in the mind last night again... What followed was a pretty terrible nightmare where I was in my car and my driver's window and windshield was smashed like they were hit with a baseball bat or something. It was like I was sleeping in my sleep and I awake in my car with the smashed windows and some man whose face I did not see was standing right outside my door with a deadly death threat. While I have a hard time in grappling with some guys in my mind, how much can the story of a dream be controlled? Was I really being given a real death threat? I woke right up when I saw the man standing outside my door and my heart was racing. ..... I think I had a mild heart attack on another occasion that I had a nightmare. ........ Giovanni, shaking my head, both sweeping me off my feet and keeping me played at the same time. I really don't think the "Paris is overrated," is enough of a save, but it is some kind of save. What could I expect anyway with the obscenities I was shouting at you with yesterday? That much more actually. I know I got some morning sex in the head too on another occassion, but it was some other mystery woman being put on the spotlight. Giovanni, you're the one who is still pursuing me while giving me another mixed signal. ...... I'm upset and mad still at what some of the signs were and the fact that both of you guys are still being Bollywood on me like I'll ever see you in person.... I really don't have the emotional energy to put any effort on my end. It breaks my heart when you guys make some kind of effort anyway. Besides the effort, I think Giovanni is still too insensitive. The cop has me intuitively guessing if he really means to give me some real death threat. I think I'm going to get lost and go AWOL anyway. I don't really have a set date or serious plan when I'll have my one night stand and I don't know how heartless I'll be about it either, but I'm just getting lost and away from it knowing I'll never be in control of whatever arbitrage does appear before me. I don't know where half of the arbitrage stockholms come from......