As the Sarah Turns: Might have to seriously chicken shit soon

Or have I already? Not the way I am planning. I kind of have a new "imaginary" Bollywood boyfriend. As with most famous or big bollywoods, I've always thought my chances were slim to none. Yet, the Don Drapers have kept me fucked with anyway. I'm not going to get into my history with all of my own personal Drapers. It really has never worked out with any of their Bollywoods. I did go chicken shit on them from time to time, but I feel I have to find a way to lose it again and work hard to put myself out of my misery. I've mostly seen it as my own cowardice, and atheistic lack of faith. I wish I had an easy love. It sometimes takes a lot from me to let myself be led on in some ways. I feel I sometimes make myself go through with too much heartache. If this dude does have a share with Travis, it is still: FUCK UTAH and OPEN RELATIONSHIPS/ POLYGAMY. It wasn't too painful with Travis. He had the given answer and respected my answer enough to have left me alone and to not get anymore involved with me. Some men do want to keep me lied to and led on for me to only be led into disappointment. I seriously think this dude is out of my league. I'm only half confident and confident in my half confidence for him. (I really did mean it with my JLo and Madonna and that I won't change who I am or the way I look)(another sign I tawt I taw) It wasn't that I was too faithless in his interest towards me. I did play him a Selena song and the "Beautiful Stranger" song to dance for.... I think he has his own way of being out of my league and unattainable. I did some quick research and discovered he has had a long term real life non Bollywood girlfriend. So, that mostly popped the rest of my bubble. He might not even like that I'm using the "L" word but I am anyway. I feel he has made some kind of chemistry a certain way and I've held my breathe long enough. How could I have some feeling and just let loose with myself the other way to chicken shit all over it anyway? I can't go out and let myself have a random one night stand yet. While I still don't know all of what to believe, he could have said or done something far too horrid and Ike Turnerish for me to ever even be able to care. I don't know what to believe until I do. ..........Where did my last "imaginary" boyfriend "Pete," go? I had my own turn offs and some turn ons. I'm taken aback that he could be more gay than straight. It is like he could be defensive in wanting to put some kind of embarrassment on me but he has been mostly quiet since I have been quiet. He also wants to stay the typical unfair Bollywood and have an "eye for an eye" over a few other Bollywood cheats and expect me to carry the weight and blame of it all in the neverending cycle. While there was still some kind of feelings and attractions there, I still gradually die off and burn out of the relationship. ..... Until then, I have no real relationship plans or one night stand dates scheduled. No plans. I'm living life by the day. Sometimes I feel more single than others; and other times, I feel more hooked. I can still take some kind of serious action any time I want.